HER WEAKNESS

I craved nothing more than fashion magazines; soap operas, novels. Social networking and watching the latest music videos on you-tube became a habit. I was negligent in my responsibilities and my salat was characterised by laziness. The only way I could get a peaceful sleep was only if I had my ear piece plugged into my ear hole with loud music. I abandoned my prayers out of procrastination and laziness. I hardly opened my Quran except during Ramadan. Time was something I took for granted.
While waiting for the song to completely buffer on you-tube; I heard the loud adhan echoing through my room. I deliberately tossed around the bed and closed my eyes ignoring the adhan. I was too lazy to get up from bed. For some odd reason I felt very sleepy at that moment. My roommate walked through the door; she switched on the light and said “don’t sleep before fajr”. I stumbled and grumbled my way to the toilet. I rushed quickly through my prayers and hardly spent up to two minutes reciting my dua.
At exactly 9:00am I heard an alarming sound from my window. I am usually not awake at this time but the voice came in louder, it was like the siren was ringing in my room. It was the sound of an ambulance fan. I struggled to open my eyelids to see what was going on around me. It was my roommate yes the same person that forced me to pray fajr. The paramedics rushed into our room, I was still in a state of shock. They rushed her into the van and took her straight to the hospital. Was I dreaming or was this reality. I had to pinch myself to be assured. I rushed to get my abaya and rinse my face. I followed the ambulance, as we arrived the Emergency ward the nurses asked me to fill some forms. My hands were shaking, I was very blank. This was the same girl I spoke to not long ago. I asked the nurses if they knew what happened to her but none of them knew what was wrong with her all they said was that they got a call from a girl complaining about a severe pain in her chest and she sounded as if she was having complication breathing. While the nurse was explaining a lady dressed in white called her in to the ward. I didn’t know who to call or what to even tell people if they asked what happened to her.
I sat there helpless in the waiting room, this was taking too long. I just realised I didn’t take my phone and I couldn’t communicate with anyone from the outside world. After 2hours of waiting the nurse walked up to me. I could feel my heart beat skipping really fast. My fingers were crossed I hope it was good news. She looked deep into my eyes and held my hands, her hands felt so warm. Then she asked if she was my sister, I was so confused so I replied saying yes. Then she asked if we had anyone mature nearby that she could talk to. I already knew it wasn’t going to be good news I just said No. I was too eager to find out what was going on then she said it out loud “ I am sorry to inform you, we lost her”. It kept ringing through my ears…I asked again who? I didn’t cry I just asked if I could see her again. It took me 15mins to walk a very short distance. I was scared to open that door, I was too scared to believe it was real. It had to be a dream. I opened the door and saw her looking very pale. I walked slowly and sat by her bedside. I didn’t want to disturb her from her sleep; I couldn’t touch her hand. I stared at her face for minutes the nurses kept walking in and out. I finally got the courage to touch her hands. It felt very cold; she was really gone tears slipped down my cheeks. I had no idea what to do next. How do I call a mother telling her her only child just passed away?!How do I explain this to our friends in school when I couldn’t explain it to myself?f!
I filled up the last papers and asked the hospital to inform her parents themselves. I spoke to her mum all I could hear were words mumbling out from the other side of the phone. I couldn’t help but think if it were me? This was a girl that prayed on time, recited the quran daily, hardly got angry at anyone, Tolerated me in every way she could and now she’s gone?!!! My heart weeps for mercy for I have sinned and taken life for granted. I wonder why it took losing a friend and a sister to bring me back to light. May we use this Note as a lesson in life! Death needs no Invitation. It could come knocking at your door anytime.
Ma Salam

After Dawn

I had just finished praying my nafl. when i heard the squeaky sound from the door. She came to wake me up for subhi.She switched on the light and walked out of the room. I sat there on the mat supplicating intensely with tears rolling down i felt it deep within this time. After praying subhi i walked up straight to her room ; she was still on her mat reciting the Quran.So i walked out gently without making any noise or disturbing ;on my way out i met Dad so i knelt down to greet him as it is a part of my tradition ,he replied me with a huge grin and prayed for me.
I kept on tossing and rolling on the bed till she opened the door. she sat down next to me after i greeted her . I was expecting her to talk to me about what happened yesterday but instead all she said was "its going to be alright God is in command".Those were the exact words that helped me through the following two weeks. I clung to my faith each day waiting desperately for a sign. I had so many options but i was still yet to decide on the right choice. I mean this is my future we are talking about!I am tired of exploring . I have spent the past two years exploring i cant waste another year exploring. I cant be the same wishy washy indecisive. This was my last chance and i didn't want to make a decision i would live to regret.Then it finally hit me.... i didn't actually ask for a sign i asked God to make it work if it was the best for me. So i did what i had to do i finally decided to go with their advice; i decided to make a choice. Yes! I finally Made that choice.And i would like to believe that it turned out to be the best choice i had made in a long time. You'll get to know what that choice was in the next post ;)

My Perplexed hearts journey towards balance

As she walked into the room; i quickly shut my eyes and pretended to be asleep on my tear soaked pillow. She turned off the television because i left it on the style network channel. As i heard her footsteps closer my heart skipped a little and i could feel my eyes twitching. Thank God she didn't bother switching on the light she rubbed her soft palms through my hair then she walked out of the room. But i refused to open my eyes somehow i felt more comfortable with my eyes shut tightly together. But i could hear the little voice up there echoing "No I wouldn't remain a failure" turning a blind eye to the tears.
I stood up out of annoyance and walked straight to the toilet to rinse my swollen eyes. I looked at my reflection in the mirror and felt more sorry for myself. If only they knew what i was going through. His loud voice kept ringing in my ears. He has obviously given up on me. I wouldn't blame them they have tried their best and yet i keep failing them.There i was still staring into the image in the mirror while thinking deeply. I asked myself for the millionth time why mine had to be so different and complicated. Everyone seems to be going through life smoothly without much trials; then i snapped myself out of the thought. I tried to put my life trials into a positive perspective. I said to myself others are looking for opportunities like mine but they don't have the means and here i am with the perfect opportunity and yet i am not trying hard enough.Just when i was about to step out of the toilet i changed my mind. I decided to perform ablution and pray a Nafl prayer for Allah's guidance.